Independence is Not Autonomy
It’s hard to believe, but the older our children get, the more harried our lives become. Most parents view the added independence of their children as new-found freedom for mom and dad. This is natural, of course, but we can’t forget that our kids’ ability to do more for themselves doesn’t mean they don’t still need us.
As our children grow, our parental role may start to resemble a list of duties: carpool driver, classroom volunteer, chef, tutor, housekeeper, personal maid, moderator, assistant coach, vacation planner, etc.
If we, as parents, relegate ourselves to this duty-filled role only, we turn over the role of the social and emotional development of our children to their peers.
That, my friends, is SCARY……especially in Middle School!
Since this is the time when many stay-at-home parents choose to go back to work, peers gladly take over this particular education of our children.
The basic foundation upon which our children grow may have indeed been set by us by the time little Johnny turns five, but the most critical adult-based foundation is starting to be built right around fifth grade. Yes, our kids are only completing their first decade when they start dressing, talking and trying to act like little adults.*
Go to any school playground (after you check in at the front office, and get your visitor badge so you don’t get arrested), and you will clearly spot the 9pm or later bedtime, television and computer in their room, and both parents most likely working children.
9 p.m. or Later Bedtime with In Room T.V. and Computer
The girls talking about “Victorious” and the boys talking about MW3 are usually the ones with bags under their glassy eyes, and eating sugary/salty junk food snacks. Yes, this is fifth grade, not nineth, and yes, Victorious is a show about high school kids in a performing arts Hollywood high school, while MW3 is a first person shooter video game rated “M” for Mature (17 and up) that many dads play along with their elementary school age kids! Most of these same kids have already created a Facebook account with a fictitious birth year, and most of them have older siblings. With a computer in their room, the things they see on facebook and the internet are rarely monitored, so they freely talk about what they see to all who will listen. Is your child one who will listen? Will your child talk to you about what she hears, and doesn’t understand?
By the time we get to middle school, almost all the sixth graders are using the F-bomb with proficiency, and everything…and I mean EVERYTHING…is referenced to sex in some way. Don’t ever let your kid bring a banana to middle school for a snack, unless you want him to have it grabbed away and put between two apples…..will he eat the banana after that? Boys routinely call each other “gay” or “B*#ch” as the trump to an argument (my 11 year old had to ask me what the “B word” meant, and when I told him it was a female dog, he asked me why a boy would call another boy that?!)
Your child may not be in the 9 p.m. or later bedtime, and In Room T.V. and computer group, but she is certainly being influenced by those who are. If your child is in this group, please consider taking the electronics out of her room, and moving bedtime up to 8 or 8:30 p.m. Just think about what’s coming in High School….will she be ready to experience what she has seen? If we parents simply feel our children are independent and ready to handle peers and middle school socializing on their own, we may have a shock when younger siblings start using phrases that make us do a double take, because those phrases haven’t yet been uttered by us in front of the kids!
The lesson here…allow for much of the independence your child craves, while closely monitoring her mannerisms and behavior by talking with her about school peers and lunch time activities. This is the most important time for your child’s preparation for high school and his walk into adulthood. If you think childhood went by in the blink of an eye…wait until he starts high school!
*Most of my observations on fifth grade and middle school behavior come from many years as an Elementary School and Middle School Yard Supervisor, keeping kids safe during recess and lunch time.
